Take the High Road by Andy Heller

Author:Andy Heller
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Dudley Court Press, LLC
Published: 2022-01-15T00:00:00+00:00

TAKEAWAY POINT: Do not discuss your failed marriage in any detail with your children, and absolutely do not reply through your children to your ex’s accusations or information, whether true or false. Get professionals involved to deal with issues when they come up.

24.

Children’s Unspoken Coping Challenges

IT WOULD BE HELPFUL TO DIVORCED PARENTS AND THE THERAPY community if all children followed a similar blueprint with their emotional responses to their changing world. But kids have different reactions that vary by age and gender. Generally, all kids are affected, and even those who may seem to be doing alright might be sending out distress signals.

Let’s look at an example of a young child in the early months of divorce or separation. The signs that a child is struggling can be different from child to child.

Robin and Michael’s youngest child was an eight-year-old boy. Ben was a happy-go-lucky kid, yet when things didn’t go his way, he was prone to meltdowns and temper tantrums. A mama’s boy, he and Robin were close, though Ben got along fine with his dad, too; however, due to Michael’s work travel, both of their children had become comfortable being home alone with Mommy. Being alone with Daddy was an entirely new phenomenon for them.

Michael put a lot of effort into getting his new home ready for having his kids there. As he waited for them to arrive, he felt a great sense of pride as he scanned the environment he had created for them. Sure enough, when his kids arrived, they were completely preoccupied with the different games Michael had collected. Interestingly, the big hit was a twenty-year-old Nintendo game that Ben thought was cool.

All was fine until bedtime, when Ben picked up a giant stuffed dinosaur that Michael had purchased for his room and went into a hall-of-fame meltdown. Ben began swinging the dinosaur and hitting the bed, wall, Michael, and everything he could. With the stuffed dinosaur as his weapon of choice, he wailed for Mommy and didn’t understand why he could not sleep at her home.

Michael felt a stake pierce his heart. He had worked so hard. What had he done wrong? The answer was nothing at all. Ben was reacting in the way an eight-year-old boy who missed his mommy in the first month of a split household would act.

How could Michael handle this meltdown? At first, he took it personally that Ben was calling out for Mommy. He drew Ben’s attention to everything he’d done to make his home comfortable for the kids, an approach that did not work. After Ben calmed down, Michael put on a movie, made popcorn, and put his arm around Ben as the family sat together and watched TV. Ben was so exhausted from his tantrum that he fell asleep on the coach, and Michael carried him to bed.

Let’s look at a different meltdown two years into a household separation.

Over the summer, Peter scheduled a two-week trip to the beach. He booked a nice place near various water parks and an amusement park.

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